Workplace Deafness and Hostility — Foundations of Sexual Misconduct Complaints

The intensity of the MeToo movement came as a surprise to many people, especially men.  Yet, the study of sexual harassment in social science goes back a long way.  Also in the popular press.  In 1994, the cover story of the January 31 issue of Businessweek read “White, Male and Worried.” The article reported that men were worried about women competing with them for jobs resulting in a “white male backlash.”  In 1991, Susan Faludi had written about a backlash against the feminist gains of the 1970s.

In the 1990s, there was a growing fear that women might unfairly accuse men of sexual harassment or take offense at what many men saw as harmless humor.  The head of neurosurgery for a major research hospital exemplified this concern when he said to me, “We have no women in our department and we’re afraid to hire any.  We don’t want to have to deal with claims of harassment.”  He went on, “I’m very careful around female medical students.  No joking, no additional sessions, no personal attention.  It’s too risky.  I tell them what they need to know and that’s it.”

This attitude posed a dilemma for women:  Do I take steps to make men feel comfortable or risk being a threat?  How, for example, should a woman respond when a man interrupts her to announce, “You’re awfully cute when you’re angry?”  What should a woman say when a male colleague or boss asks how many men she slept with at the last company retreat?

During my research, coaching and training, women often told me that they didn’t know how much longer they could refrain from responding abrasively to such comments.  How many insults should they endure before giving back what they were getting?  Most had been advised to avoid confrontations.  “You catch more flies with honey,” they’d been told.

The same dilemma continues to exist. Even with the MeToo movement and the work of groups like Time’s Up and UltraViolet, working women, volunteer or paid, still struggle with what to do about gender- derogating comments and behaviors as women before them did.  Most of them don’t work in high-visibility organizations or for high-visibility bosses. They are not part of the revelations about sexual misconduct by famous men.  They go about their jobs and wonder whether to keep quiet about offenses all along the Spectrum of Sexual Misconduct at Work (SSMW in blog below).

Whether to let any derogatory comment pass is an individual decision.  It’s important, however, to bear in mind that letting sexist and/or disparaging comments pass sends a message of acceptability.  Organizations that ignore such comments and behaviors send a similar message to all their employees.  So, what can both individuals, male and female, and organizations do to change that message?

An early step in developing ways of dealing with sexist comments and behaviors before they become pervasive or lead to serious and egregious levels on the SSMW is to draw a useful distinction between offense and insult.

Offensive comments and behaviors are accidental.  Insults are purposeful.  Anyone is capable of accidentally saying something offensive, even to respected colleagues.  If an offender is informed of the perceived error of his or her ways, two things may happen.  In the preferred scenario, the person desists from repeating the behavior and accepts the offended party’s warning as a desire to protect the relationship. If the offensive behavior occurs once more, perhaps it’s still a mistake.  A reminder may be enough, depending on the severity.  If the comment or behavior is repeated, however, it’s reasonable to see it as purposeful insult.

Insult requires a stronger, more direct response or it will surely come around again. Even among friends, unheeded it may lead to anger, resentment, and legal action.  In this sense, a climate that allows disrespect to become enduring or pervasive is often the straw that breaks the camel’s back when it comes to a woman’s (or a man’s) decision to make a formal complaint within an organization and/or file a lawsuit.

I’ve yet to meet a woman who longs to take legal action against her company or colleagues if there are other ways to resolve conflict based on sexual offense and insult. The cost is too dear and not just in terms of money.

Most women want to correct the problems they face at work with as little publicity and ire as possible. But most organizations lack a sophisticated system for defining and dealing with sexually offensive comments and actions. Most have sexual harassment guidelines and lengthy procedures for complaints, but few have considered the value of teaching people how to handle such incidents on their own. This doesn’t mean putting the monkey on the back of employees and walking away. Leadership starts at the top, as does change.  It does mean that helping employees learn to talk about feelings of offense and insult is a strong step toward changing a culture to one that does not appear to women as deaf to their concerns.

Workplace deafness is an impetus for many sexual harassment lawsuits.  It prevents nipping lesser issues in the bud and allows hostile work climates to develop and endure.

There is no such thing as head-in-the-sand leadership — hear no evil and see no evil. Often the responsibility for solutions has to be turned over to the courts because prevention and early detection, so clearly vital to human health, have been ignored in health planning of organizations.

The Secret Handshake, It’s All Politics and Comebacks at Work were all written to help people recognize and deal with challenging situations at work.  “Did You Really Say That?” provides a sample repertoire of comments that can be made to stop offensive and insulting behaviors.

Of course, handling the highly offensive and egregious forms of sexual misconduct in the SSMW takes more significant and formal action on the part of the individuals involved and the organizations for which they work.  Also, having a repertoire of responses to handle lower-level offenses and insults does not preclude the need at times for mediation.

But having at hand forms of communication that women and men can use to help rid their workplaces of disregard and disrespect is an important, empowering step forward.  There are many more steps needed as well.  But this one is crucial to the rest.