On the first day of teaching persuasion and negotiation classes, I talk about how three forms of influence differ. Persuasion, coercion and manipulation are primary ways by which we influence each other. Of the three, persuasion requires the most effort and skill. Coercion requires some form of power over the person being influenced. Manipulation has its base in deception. It involves lying and/or duping people.
There are powerful people who exert their influence in a manner that seems like leadership and therefore becomes acceptable – at least for a period of time. There are also expert manipulators. Those of us who don’t notice disconnects, for example, between what such manipulators say and do are blindly led around by the nose.
At some point in most people’s lives they rely on coercion or manipulation. “Do it because I said so,” is a phrase familiar to most children. “I can turn this car around,” tells arguing children that a vacation may be over before it begins if they don’t settle down in the car. We may deceive out of love or good intentions when a small “white lie” appears to be the wiser course of action. We all use power now and then.
But what if manipulation and coercion become primary forms of influence, especially by leaders? Of what use is reason in such a climate? What value is there to honesty and reason? If leaders lie as a rule, then those around them are likely to do so as well. If they bully, those who work for them may become so inclined. Soon you have a toxic environment whether in government, organizations, teams or at home. For a while, work may get done. Talented people with integrity may briefly stick around hopeful of positive change. But, as I described in The Secret Handshake, pathological arenas tend to self-destruct. Why? Because liars and bullies are in charge. They don’t trust each other and for good reason.
Persuasion is about using reason and emotional appeals to influence others. At its best, it allows the person being persuaded to learn how the persuader thinks. In this sense, it’s up front. It gives ground as needed so others feel that they’ve been heard and have had input into decisions. Usually, the best decisions are not one person’s “side” but rather a position or course of action that evolves through discussion.
Effective persuasion requires listening skills, learning how to link desired outcomes to the interests of others and framing positions in appealing ways. It isn’t about “I think” and “some people say” types of evidence, but instead relies on credible arguments and examples.
I wrote this blog as a brief thought piece and as an opportunity for leaders, in particular, to reflect on how they influence others. Leaders who rely on coercion and manipulation rather than persuasion may get things done for a period of time. But when their backs are turned, in the absence of convincing arguments for taking a particular course, people often waver or rebel. They haven’t been part of the solution. There is no buy-in, no sense of ownership, and many eventually tire of only sycophants being heard. In short, not only is living or working in an environment fraught with liars and bullies painful, it is not the way to truly and effectively lead.
