At the recent Academy Awards ceremony, what might have kept Will Smith from slapping Chris Rock? Perhaps you’ve wondered. I keep coming back to the importance of having a repertoire of comebacks.
At Arianna Huffington’s online site Thrive Global, I published “Did You Really Say That?” The article focuses on what women might say in challenging situations. Male or female though, we all experience situations that leave us speechless. Rather than find yourself taking a verbal or physical swing at someone or realizing too late what you might have said, it’s useful to have responses at hand.
Among the ones in “Did Your Really Say That?” is the title itself. This simple phrase can give the offender a chance to reflect, rephrase and perhaps to apologize. Effective comebacks save face for the offended. They warn offenders that they’re walking a thin line. This sure beats skulking off feeling hurt, angry or embarrassed. As an extra bonus, relationships can be saved in the process.
So, take a few minutes to look over the list in “Did You Really Say That?” or others in my co-authored book Comebacks at Work. Develop your own repertoire. Consider events in your life when these comebacks would have come in handy. Next time you feel offended, you’ll be ready.
Dr Kathleen:
From your list I like this one, although it might take too much thought on both sides …
“If I look perplexed, it’s because I’m thinking about giving you the benefit of the doubt.”
….. although it might not be a bad idea?
That’s one of my favorites too, John. K
Wonderful advice to get satisfaction after stupid comments are made. I recently had a conversation with a former graduate school professor (male) who asked, “When are we starting our affair? Let me know when you’re ready!” I was upset at his inappropriate comment but speechless. Later, I responded to his email message that again repeated this question, “You need to find someone else to have an affair with.” I think he finally got the message.
Thanks for sharing that experience. I wonder if “Did you really say that?” would have worked if you had the conversation to do over. Fortunately, we can’t do the research on that one to find out. All the best, Kathleen
I don’t agree with you completely but I am grateful that you put yourself a little in Will’s shoes. I think what people are overlooking is this fact: Will was already on an adrenaline high, on pins and needles in excruciating anticipation of making history and possibly accepting (45 minutes wait – later) an Oscar for which he was nominated for and just might win and was consequently wound up tight as a tick trying to suffer through to the final words: “…and the winner is….” If you look at his eyes just as Jada was grimacing from that incredibly insensitive, tacky and crass jab from Chris Rock, Will’s gaze was like he was in a fog of emotions and he was actually automatically smiling and laughing at the joke as if he didn’t even hear it, until he looked over and saw how badly it offended, and rightfully so, his wife of over 20 years who was the butt of this callous presenter’s “joke.” Do women always have to be the butt of men’s jokes?!
It’s is eerily prophetic as we learned that back stage, Denzel Washington pulled Will aside and said: “Now remember, when we are at our peak and height of our accomplishments, that’s when the Devil shows up to ruin it. Ain’t that the truth.
And so it was as Will’s long time pal, a black man, chose to sully the occasion and “piss on Will’s parade” by making a disgusting joke about another black man’s wife in front of a bunch of white people. Frankly, I was horrified and appalled, stunned. I felt right then and there watching it on the tube, Will’s long time pal at the very least, was unconsciously jealous, envious of his longtime pal’s nomination.
Chris Rock is an ego-maniacal personality, his comedic style is abrasive at best and like all comedians he’s going to make jokes from time to time that “bomb.”
This was a bomb. It would have garnered groans from the audience even at a roast where the most crass, bawdy and x-rated jokes are made, evoking an instant response from me of: “WTF” out loud at the television.
I’m still team Jada and Will all the way. To Chris Rock and all of his sympathizers which is 95% of the viewers’ responses I’ve heard and the whole Hollywood hypocrite crowd I am compelled to say: “Chris, you started the fire and then you barely but graciously put it back out and now the whole world decides you’re the hero and Will is some villain?!” I cry racism and hypocrisy. You Chris sullied the most perfect night for your “friend” as well as tainted what is being called and considered the best Oscar night ever.” Chris ruined a perfect night for Jada and Will and now some racist people will go so far as to say: “See how black men act in public?! Mmmm mmm!” You can dress those people up but you can’t take them anywhere!”
How disgusting that it comes down to color once again, just appalling and sad, the same perpetuated old stereotype, same old unfair cliché and double standard of racism.
Be respectful, be kind, comedy doesn’t need to be abrasive and insulting. Chris should know better than comment on a person’s appearance and medical issues and then to turn around and tell the press: “I didn’t know about her medical condition.” That is a flat out lie. We all did. He most certainly did.
And he’s still processing?! No. Please spare me any more lies. Mia culpa is in order.
Be a man Chris not the little boy making immature bloopers.
In Islam there is a hadith that tells the tale when early Muslims came to their prophet Muhammad and asked him: “What is Muslim?” Their leader replied: “You do not harm and hurt with your mouth, you do not harm and hurt with your hand. This is Muslim.”
We saw both harms committed that night, one is no less harm than the other. Jesus once told his followers: “It is greater to kill the soul than to commit murder.”
This is a good lesson to learn. Let’s all “Sima down now.” Hollywood is family and that night the nation was family. We can’t choose our family.
We all make mistakes. I fancy myself a joker in the office and much of the time I win laughs from my peers. But I’ve learned that 50% of my “jokes” bomb. Like my daddy used to say: “Don’t be sorry. DON’T do it. Now I know this is unrealistic a remark that used to make my mother so mad. Because we’re human with free speech and free will, we make and hopefully learn from our mistakes.
So sima down now, y’all.
It was still a gorgeous night and in my opinion, humble as I may be, Will deserved to win.
If I were a black man who stole the night from another black man’s lifelong accomplishments, through a slip of the lip that sank a ship, only to be regarded as a hero who “saved the night” by hypocrites and caused the academy to strip said my “friend” of his Oscar, well, I personally could never live with myself.
Apologize, Chris Rock. You lit the fire, then you put it out, and that in my book just doesn’t cut it. Someone’s was cruisin for a bruisin. Someone was about to get slapped. Cuidado people and let’s let everyone be deserving of happiness as we all are!
You put your heart and considerable time into this, Scott. Thank you. K
Thank you, much appreciative. 😉
Dear Kathleen ,
I loved the come backs you wrote and/ quoted. They would be good to print out and have in a purse when needed. I have not needed them, so far, but now feel armed for JIC (just in case). I continue to love reading what you write.
Bev Copen
Thanks, Bev. Good idea. Years ago I published “The Memo Every Woman Keeps in her Desk” in The Harvard Business Review. Perhaps now an article should follow – “The List Everyone Should Keep in Their Desk” 😁