November 4, 2010
Today on Brainstormin’ with Bill — Billy “The Brain” Frank’s show on KKZZ radio out of Ventura, California — we talked about whether some people are comeback “naturals.”
It does seem that way when you meet people who have a good response for just about anything said to them. And it is true that people can be inclined to excel in specific areas. If you’re brought up playing tennis, you’re bound to be better at it than most people who didn’t have that advantage. The same is true of comebacks. If you grew up in a family where what to say in response to difficult situations was talked about at the dinner table, for example, and praise was given to those who came up with impressive comebacks, then you likely derived a comeback advantage. But having an advantage and developing the skill are two very different things. The latter requires frequent experimentation.
Anyone can develop a comeback repertoire and skill at applying those comebacks. But to want to do this you have to recognize that to do otherwise is to abdicate the 75% responsibility you have for managing your communication each day. Communication is a lot like chess. Every move one player makes limits or expands the options of the other. If you keep walking as you say to a friend, “Hey, how are you?”
his options are limited to a quick response like “Fine.” If, on the other hand, you stop and look into his eyes when you ask, thereby showing concern, you broaden his choices to tell you more about how he truly is doing. In this sense, each of us is at least 75% responsible for how people respond to us. We can learn to influence their options.
To become skilled at comebacks, we need to learn effective responses from observing others who are skilled and practice using them. We need to fail at times and yet try again. With time, we become better able to respond quickly and well to whatever others have to say to us.
There is no such thing as a comeback natural. There are those of us who put the time and effort into our communication and those of us who don’t. There are those of us who think “telling it like it is” means we’re somehow better communicators than those who filter before responding. Such assumptions get in the way of improving.
Agile communicators have learned to be so because they observe how others around them turn bad situations into better or even good ones. It’s never too late to start doing that.
