Jenna Goudreau of Forbes.com interviewed me for this week’s “The Other Half” section. You can check it out here.
Some further thoughts: Ever wonder why some people can’t get through a day, even an hour, without confronting someone else? They always have their backs up. The reason why we’ll leave for now to psychology. They’re limiting their lives and relationships with this repetitive pattern.
The people who concern me the most are those who cringe at the thought of confrontation, or who avoid it at extreme cost to their careers and friendships. Unless they work in minimally political departments or organizations, their talents are likely to pass unnoticed, their leadership potential to be viewed as lacking. Why? Because human beings do have confrontations and it’s better to be able to handle them effectively than to go away thinking, “At least I didn’t get upset and say the wrong thing.”
If you understand how confrontation works, you can manage it. You don’t have to get upset. And it needn’t spoil your day or your reputation. As I’d said during the interview:
“A common symptom of mishandling confrontation is the movie reel in your mind that continues replaying the incident. “Why didn’t I say this? you ask yourself after the fact. Research has found that workplace confrontation causes both emotional and physical stress. Without learning effective communication strategies, employees may stunt their careers or become so uncomfortable that they opt out all together.”
As I and many others have written, our President avoids directness and certainly confrontation. He prefers, as most of us do, less contentious ways of dealing with challenges. But hold on. What if the conversation is not one where your credibility is on the line and you can just opt out? Is it really better to take the high road? You can avoid the dark alleys, but always seeking consensus is a dangerous pattern. It is not likely to be received in the way so many people intend it. There are times when you must assert yourself in order to give your idea, reputation or self-esteem the boost it deserves.
There is a wide range of comeback types that work with confrontation. It may take a mildly direct response like: “I’m not sure if what I heard was intended.” Somewhat more direct would be: “Someone needs to change the direction of this conversation and it clearly isn’t going to be you.” Or you might consider: “Do we know each other well enough to have this direct a conversation?” “I’m going to let what you just said season a bit before responding?” or “I see why you might think that, but I see no excuse for you saying it.”
There are many more options. I like very much Goodreau’s response to a woman who wrote in that she doesn’t like retaliation. Take a look if you have a few moments. It’s useful to remember that “retaliation” is a word. Like all words, it’s subject to some extent to the connotative meaning we impose on it. Retaliation has a negative connotation. But it can mean responding in kind to a very harsh insult.
I rarely advise people to use negative comebacks. But Chris and I write about how confrontation of any type can be handled. It’s one of many skills to have in your toolbox of comebacks. It’s great to be able to let some of them get dusty. But at least they’re there should you need them.
More in Comebacks at Work: Using Conversation to Master Confrontation
